Transcribed from Tobias Smollett's " Humphry Clinker " - a hilarious 18th C account of life in the grand metropolis.
Some things ne'r change.
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With the sharp sensitivity of " a man without skin" Tobias Smollett humorously attacked the frivolity and foibles of eighteenth-century England. Humphrey Clinker is his mirthful tale of a tour by coach and four through cities and countryside. as misadventure follows misadventure, each character reveals his true self by giving his own conflicting view of the incidents, places, and people encountered along the way. The result is an entertaining and realistic picture of that wonderful age when gentlemen duelled, ladies swooned, and servants rose from rags to riches.
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Part One
Page 124
To Dr. Lewis.
Dear Lewis,
Your fable of the monkey and the pig, is what the Italians call ben trovata; but I shall not repeat it to my apothecary, who is a proud Scotchman, very thin-skinned, and, for aught I know, may have his degree in his pocket - A right Scotchman has always two strings to his bow, and is in utrumque paratus - Certain it is, I have not 'scaped a scouring; but, I believe, by means of that scouring, I have 'scaped something worse, perhaps a tedious fit of the gout or rheumatism; for my appetite began to flag, and I had certain croakings in the bowels, which boded me no good - Nay, I am not yet quite free of these remembrances, which warn me to be gone from this centre of infection ------
What temptation can a man of my turn and temperament have, to live in a place where every corner teems with fresh objects of detestation and disgust? What kind of taste and organs must these people have, who really prefer the adulterate enjoyments of the town to the genuine pleasures of a country retreat?
Most people I know, are originally seduced by vanity, ambition, and childish curiosity; which cannot be gratified, but in the busy haunts of men: but, in the course of this gratification, their very organs of sense are perverted, and they become lost to every relish of what is genuine and excellent in its own nature.
Shall I state the difference between my town grievances, and my country comforts? At Brambleton Hall, I have elbow-room within doors, and breathe a clear elastic, salutary air - I enjoy refreshing sleep, which is never disturbed by horrid noise, nor interrupted, but in a-morning, by the sweet twitter of the martlet at my window - I drink the virgin lymph, pure and crystalline as it gushes from the rock, or the sparkling beverage, home-brewed from malt of my own making; or I indulge with cyder, which from my own orchard affords; or with claret of the best growth, imported for my own use, by a correspondent on whose integrity I can depend; my bread is sweet and nourishing, made from my own wheat, ground in my own mill, and baked in my own oven; my table is, on a great measure, furnished from my own ground; my five-year old mutton, fed on the fragrant herbage of the mountains, that might vie with venison in juice and flavour; my poultry from the barn door, that never knew confinement, but when they were at roost; my rabbits panting from the warren, my game fresh from the moors; my trout and salmon struggling from the stream; oysters from their native banks; and herrings with other sea fish, I can eat in four hours after they are taken - My sallads, roots, and pot herbs, my own garden yields in plenty and perfection; the produce of the natural soil, prepared by moderate cultivation.
The same soil affords all the fruits that England may call her own, so that my desert is every day fresh-gathered from the tree; my dairy flows with the nectarious tides of milk and cream, from whence we derive abundance of butter, curds and cheese; and the refuse fattens my pigs, that are destined for hams and bacon - I go to bed betimes and rise with the sun - I make shift to pass the hours without weariness or regret, and am not destitute of amusements within doors, when the weather will not permit me to go abroad - I read and chat, and play at billiards, cards or back-gammon - Without doors, I superintend my farm, and execute plans of improvement, the effects of which I enjoy with unspeakable delight - Nor do I take less pleasure in seeing my tenants thrive under my auspices, and the poor live comfortably by the employment which I provide - You know I have one or two sensible friends, to whom I can open all my heart; a blessing which perhaps, I might have sought in vain among the crowded scenes of life. finally I live in the midst of honest men, and trusty dependents, who, I flatter myself, have a disinterested attachment to my person - You yourself, my dear Doctor, can vouch for the truth of these assertions.
Now, mark the contrast at London - I am pent up on a frowzy lodgings, where there is not room enough to swing a cat; and I breathe the streams of endless putrefaction; and these would, undoubtedly, produce a pestilence, if they were not qualified by the gross acid of sea coal, which is itself a pernicious nuisance to the lungs of any delicacy of texture; but even this boasted corrector cannot prevent those languid sallow looks, that distinguish the inhabitants of London from those ruddy swains that lead country life - I go to bed after mid-night, jaded and restless from the dissipations of the day - I start every hour from my sleep, at the horrid noise of the watchman bawling the hour through every street, and thundering at every door; a set of useless fellows, who serve no other purpose but that of disturbing the repose of the inhabitants; and by five o' clock I start out of bed, in consequence of the still more dreadful alarm made by the country carts, and noisy rustics bellowing green pease under my window. If I would drink water, I must quaff the mawkish contents of an open aqueduct, exposed to all manner of defilement, or swallow that which comes from the river Thames, impregnated with all the filth of London and Westminster - Human excrement is the least offensive part of the concrete, which is composed of all the drugs, minerals and poisons, used in mechanics and manufacture, enriched with the putrefying carcasses of beasts and men; and mixed with the scourings of all the wash-tubs, kennels, and common sewers, within the bills of mortality......
PARTs TWO & THREE to follow..... kindly tune back, ye bloggers.